How to maintain eye contact while talking for shy people

eye contact

Do you find it difficult to make eye contact when someone is talking to you? Or perhaps you find it difficult to focus on what you are trying to say and make eye contact at the same time. I can relate with all the former. It is a more common problem than it seems and it does not only affect people with social anxiety and shy.

I’ve never felt comfortable looking someone in the eye, it’s very intimidating. When I do, and it’s almost by accident, I feel like they can see right through me. He makes me very nervous and if I’m the one talking, I tend to forget what I was going to say.

Quora User

One of the biggest problems shy people experience is making eye contact in conversation. We avoid looking into the eyes because doing so makes us tense and even more nervous. However, this can be interpreted as a lack of respect for the recipient or it can make you seem insecure.

It is therefore essential that you learn certain tricks that you can implement immediately when talking to anyone from your imposing boss to your neighbor.

Why making eye contact is important

Why making eye contact is important


Eye contact can be used in many ways. On the one hand, it conveys trust and respect, but it is also something that can be used to ensure your dominant position in a group. According to Psychology Today, this is what happens when you make eye contact:

  • It will increase the chances of remembering what people are telling you
  • Increases attraction to your partner.
  • Confirms that you are paying attention.
  • Give the impression that you are interested in what the other person is saying.

The question is how long is too long to maintain eye contact? Various studies affirm that about 4 seconds are enough. This does not mean that after those 4 seconds you look away quickly, but that you can look at another facial point and then make eye contact again.

So that you realize how important it is to make eye contact, remember that only 7% of communication involves words, the remaining 93% of what you communicate comes from your body language, the speed, the tone of your voice and the eye contact.

Related content: >>How to avoid awkward silences

Why is it so hard to look into the eyes?

There are many possibilities, as we have seen you may be shy, have social anxiety, it is not customary in your culture to look into the eyes.

Social anxiety

I want you to start by asking yourself what it is that you fear others will know about you. They may discover that you are a failure, that you only appear to be successful, that you think everyone hates you and it is only a matter of time before they find out.

All these thoughts of course are not true, they are simply constructions that you have been creating based on lived experiences. For example, if your mother spent more time with your siblings when you were little, you may have internalized that you are not worth being the center of someone’s attention.

Depending on how traumatizing your experiences have been, you may need therapy to deal with these fears. If so, these tips will not help you much until you get to the root of the problem.

You’re not that weird…
But it still goes without saying that regardless of whether you have social anxiety or shyness, you may find it difficult to make eye contact. A recent study by Kyoto University suggests that it is more difficult to concentrate when you speak and look into the eyes.

Although eye contact and verbal processing seem independent, people often look away from other people during conversation. This suggests that there is an interference between these processes.

Shōgo Kajimura, Michio Nomura

The research selected 26 people to participate in a mental and verbal agility game. One group of them was given an image of someone staring at them and others an image of a person looking to the side. People who had the image of someone looking straight ahead were slower to reason compared to the other group.

With the help of the following tips you can improve your eye contact in these situations.

Tips for maintaining eye contact

Related content: >>How to end a conversation without being rude

1.- Start by looking into the eyes when you are the listener.

There is a rule that ideally you should maintain eye contact 50% of the time when speaking and 70% when listening. I understand that this can be a bit stressful at first, so I recommend that you start when you are the person who listens.

It is possible that if you try to apply all these tips in one go, you forget what you are going to say (something that happens to me often), so take it one step at a time.

2.- Breaking eye contact.

To make it as natural as possible, break eye contact by making a gesture or saying a word. For example, if they are telling us something surprising, we could look the other way, while we comment: “are you serious?” or “how crazy!”

When it comes to breaking eye contact, it is not recommended that you do it quickly and to various places, as it conveys insecurity and shyness (just the opposite of what we want to convey, right?)

3.- The ideal time to not seem weird.

According to experts, the ideal is to maintain eye contact for about 4-5 seconds, or the time it takes you to analyze the color of someone’s eyes. If you are in a group conversation you can shorten the contact to about 3 seconds.

4.- Practice with videos or watching yourself (yes, you will feel weird)

If maintaining eye contact is something that happens to you not only with strangers, but also with family members, it is priceless that you start practicing it yourself. You can do this by watching videos on YouTube where people record themselves on purpose for it.

Although you will feel silly, another trick that works is to practice in front of a mirror. Try telling how your day went in front of a mirror and stare into your eyes. Did you forget what you were going to say? if this happens, keep practicing.

5.- Do not look at both eyes

Don’t try to look at both eyes at the same time. Instead, use the triangle technique, start by looking at the left eye, the right eye, and the mouth, and so on (obviously waiting a few seconds).

6.- It is okay not to look into the eyes while remembering something.

There is a greater chance that it will be more difficult for you to look into the eyes while you are trying to remember something. According to various scientific studies, looking to the left and up can mean that the person is remembering information or emotions from the past.

Do you have your own tricks to look into the eyes? Share it in the comments!!! ✌👀


  • How to stop being shy step by step

    Do you get nervous every time you have to speak in public? Do you reject plans for fear of not knowing what to say? Do you dream of overcoming shyness?

    Well welcome to the shy club ✌. To those who do not raise their hand in class despite knowing the correct answer. In this post we will see some of the solutions proposed by readers of Quora. I have selected the ones that seemed most curious to me.

    Click here to see the original post >>What activity can I do to overcome shyness?

    Some will totally encourage you to get out of your comfort zone (such as signing up for a public speaking course or a theater workshop), while others are more complementary and require a change in mentality. The key is to make a combination of all and the ones that best suits your circumstances.

    Remember that overcoming shyness is a progressive process, there is no magic pill that you can take to make it disappear.

    1.- Sign up for Theater

    Sign up for an amateur theater company…Impressive!!!

    Quora User
    Theater to overcome shyness


    It is one of the solutions proposed by one of the users. I was amused when I read it because that’s what my mother did with me and my sisters when we were little. I hated it and my sisters loved it.

    It is a good recommendation since in theater you have to overcome your fear of speaking and showing yourself to the public. You will do many improvisation and role-changing exercises. However, realistically I doubt that if you are a shy person who does not like being the center of attention you will take the initiative to sign up for theater (although if you feel capable, do it)

    Everything will depend on the degree of shyness you have. If you are one of those who feel “observed” when you enter a new place, or your heart races when someone asks you something, signing up for a theater workshop is probably a very high step for you.

    We don’t want to traumatize ourselves. If you were obese and wanted to lose weight, would you start by signing up for a half marathon? It would probably be a mistake, first because your body is not ready and, second, because of how bad it would be, you would not want to exercise again in your life. It would be more advisable to start walking 15 minutes a day.

    Well, the same with your shyness. Overcoming it will take more or less time depending on how fit you are.

    2.- Reading aloud to overcome shyness

    I found this answer very interesting. This reader suggests speaking or reading aloud and some ways you might practice:

    Perhaps, at first, shyness will cause you to stutter or slur your speech, but after several Sundays of reading aloud, you will flow like the wind. Your shyness will be gone…. and you will not necessarily become religious, that already depends on you.

    Quora user

    StoryTime: As a child my father forced me and my sisters to go to mass on Sundays. I remember that how I always admired the people that read at church; I imagined myself having to read and just thinking about it made me nervous. To make matters worse, when I made my first communion, the priest chose me to read part of the Bible (and since I was so shy and reserved, I didn’t have the courage to say no to the priest). Since I knew it would make me nervous, I memorized the text and pretended to read it.

    Although I don’t think your shyness will fly away like the wind, I do think it will give you a lot of confidence when speaking in public.

    Volunteering for children as a storyteller

    I really like this idea as it is a very progressive way to overcome your shyness, starting with children 1-4 yo (who are not going to judge you if you are wrong or nervous).

    3.- Positive autosuggestions

    Positive self-assessments to overcome shyness


    The following proposal talks about positive autosuggestions, or in other words, what you continually tell yourself as part of your mental dialogue.

    We create an ideal or desired scenario with a successful ending to a situation, which eliminates the stress of the situation. Constant repetition develops the quality of confidence and security in oneself to function calmly.

    Quora User

    Definitely how you talk to yourself will change the way you see the world. If you tell yourself that you are a failure, you are useless, you will convince yourself that this is true and you will begin to attract failure in your life (I believe in the law of attraction but now on how is exacly used in The Secret)

    Not because you say I’m an extroverted person will you suddenly lose your fear of speaking in public, but you will be predisposed to interact with people. I believe that positive autosuggestions is a good complementary initiative to incorporate with another of the tips to overcome shyness, but you will not achieve much by applying it by itself.

    You may be interested: >> Famous people that are introverted and shy

    4.- Be more educated to lose shyness

    Journals to write down your public speaking goals

    Read a lot and on all possible topics; This way you will feel super safe to start conversations knowing that you know it, you will naturally be more confident providing arguments. Same with sports, practice some and you will develop confidence.

    Quora user

    Yes and no. One of the problems I have is that in private, or 1 on 1, I am able to express all my knowledge on a certain subject, but as soon as we are in a debate with more than 4 people… things change. Suddenly I start to over-analyze what I’m going to say, to feel clumsy with my words no matter how sure I am of my arguments.

    What you can do to complement this technique is to practice explaining to someone out loud once you think you have mastered a subject. For example, you read a book on introversion and now think you understand the concept. Explain out loud to yourself (or better, to someone close to your family) what you have learned. It is a good way not only to assimilate knowledge but also to practice your communication skills (understanding something internally is not the same as knowing how to explain it)

    5.- Establish Mini-goals

    This is my favorite answer. Talk about creating a list of goals to conquer and writing them down in your journal.

    The most practical thing is to make a list of the most common things that are difficult for us because of our shyness (…) Then comes the part where you break down your feelings imagining what is the worst that can happen to you if, for example, you do or you carry out the most difficult of all the things you wrote down on the list

    It is a technique that I have read in many personal development books: do not look at the goal itself, but divide it into small objectives that allow you to feel that you are progressing every day.

    Take your journal and write down:

    • Things that just thinking about makes you feel afraid because of your anxiety.
    • Rank them on a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the easiest to do.
    • Next, write in your journal how you are going to perform such an action and where (visualization of the task is very important for this). Don’t forget to put an expiration date for the goal.
    • What is the worst that can happen? For example, for me thinking about a public presentation is something that still makes me nervous to this day. So I think, what is the worst that can happen?:
      • Make an ass of myself
      • That I forgot what I was going to say
      • Stutter
    • Write down how you have felt. Try not to punish yourself too much if it went wrong (remember negative autosuggestions) but also, take it as constructive self-criticism.

    6.- Public speaking course

    Person presenting in public without being shy


    Maybe a course on how to speak in public can help you.

    This user suggests that you sign up for a public speaking course. As in the case of signing up for a theater workshop, it will be a radical measure and it will immediately put you out of your control zone.

    The good thing about a public speaking course vs. signing up for a theater workshop is the social circle that surrounds you. Often people who sign up for theatre, especially as adults, are already good actors or shameless, so you can feel very left out in terms of your abilities.

    However, in a public speaking course you all have the common denominator of wanting to become better presenters even though you are very bad at the moment. You all have the same goal and frequently the teachers were extremely shy people in the past.

    7.- Look for a job where you have to talk.

    Offer to be a flyer for a business, or, if you have your own, deliver house to house on a block. Also to people on the street, so you can start conversations with them.

    Quora user

    It is a good idea, especially if you are a young person with a lot of time and without a stable job.

    In my case, being a waitress, event hostess, and salesperson for Ikea helped me a lot. In other words, jobs where people skills are required, convincing potential clients and being charismatic. Although my goal at the moment was not to overcome my shyness, the need to have money to pay for my studies made me put my shyness in my pocket every time I went to work. Although ultimately is kind of like a role that you learn how to play, it will give you a lot of ease every time you socialize in your daily life.

    You must understand that the process of overcoming your shyness is not going to be easy. You are going to make mistakes, you are going to be in situations where you think “Where the hell have I gotten myself? Earth Swallow me!!”. But it is part of the process. When this happens, be good to yourself and reward yourself for trying instead of beating yourself up for making a fool of yourself.

    You may be interested in: >> Full list of jobs for introverts.
    What did you think of the advice from the Quora community? If you haven’t already I recommend that you take a look at the threads on introversion and shyness, although sometimes the answers are funny, others are very helpful. Let me know in the comments what you are going to do to overcome shyness.


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  • How to find a job with social anxiety

    You realize that you have reached adulthood when not having a job is unacceptable. Even if you live with your parents, you’re supposed to contribute financially with the bills, and that means finding a job. People with social anxiety are often accused of being lazy, having no specific goals, and constantly changing jobs. This can happen because we are running away from our own nightmare: social anxiety.

    I got used to having a few drinks before doing an interview, it relaxed me and I was able to turn down the voice in my head that would sabotage me. But this, as you can guess did not solve the root problem only postponed it. I would end up being hired, but on a day-to-day basis I had to deal with social anxiety. When I felt like I couldn’t take it anymore, I would leave claiming that “I didn’t like it”.

    That is why in today’s post I would like to explore what it is like to find a job for a person with social anxiety, what types of jobs are recommended and most importantly how to establish an action plan to find your ideal job.

    Should you look for a job if you have social anxiety?

    It’s a fair question. Some would recommend going to therapy first, overcoming social anxiety, and then looking for a job. But that would be very unreal, living is not free and therapy is expensive.

    I would suggest that you look for a job despite your social anxiety, but being realistic. In the short term you are going to look for a job that may not coincide with your passion but that allows you to take small steps regarding your anxiety. Next we are going to see what are the steps to take to find your ideal job progressively.

    Action plan to find your ideal job

    Action plan to find your ideal job

    It is important that you do not see social anxiety as something permanent. That is why I suggest you think about your ideal job: what would you do if you did not have social anxiety? Perhaps your passion is being a teacher but the idea of ​​standing in front of a group of people terrifies you. Still, make a list of jobs you’re passionate about and would be willing to try in a world without social anxiety.

    Ok, back to reality. We are terrified of speaking in public so initially we are not going to try to find a job where you have to expose yourself too much. The key is to have small victories, to gradually get out of our comfort zone and for this we need a plan.

    We already know what our ideal job is. Now think about what skills you need to get that job. For example, if I want to be a math teacher I need a degree, and then to pass an interview. A possible action plan would be:

    • Get a degree in mathematics. You need to be honest with yourself and recognize how socially anxious this is causing you. I have social anxiety but only in certain situations, so taking a degree in person does not terrify me too much. If you do, look for alternatives, such as studying online.
    • Social anxiety is one more subject. We don’t have social skills, we may have trauma around relationships, and that’s our unfinished business. I think that people with social anxiety often postpone facing the root of our problem and that is why we jump from one job to another, or from one career to another. Continuing with the example of a person whose passion is to be a mathematics teacher, in those 4 years of career we are going to commit ourselves. For example, to go to therapy, to look for a short-term job where you have to interact slightly with other people (such as be a cashier in a supermarket).


    I can’t design your own action plan since I don’t know you personally, but you can. You need to know yourself and don’t allow yourself to always be in your comfort zone.

    Factors for a good action plan

    • Have a notebook dedicated to this area of ​​your life.
    • Write your ideal job and skills you will need to acquire to have it. For example, being a math teacher.
    • Set a realistic date to develop these skills
    • Now break the skills down into small efforts that you will do weekly.
    • Create an evaluation sheet where each week you can mark which objectives you have met and which you have not.

    Best jobs if you have social anxiety

    Best jobs if you have social anxiety

    Here are some job suggestions you can explore if you have social anxiety. If they are not your passion, consider them only for a short term, and always keeping in mind your final goal once you overcome social anxiety and you are able to carry out your dream job. I have not included jobs where education is required because I understand that you will use these jobs in the short term, unless you realize that they are your passion:

    1. Writer

    It’s the quintessential job for people who don’t like to interact with people. Also, don’t just think about the typical image of a writer who writes books. With the advent of the Internet, many types of writers are needed, better known as content creators for blogs and online newspapers.

    1. Remote digital marketing

    Digital marketing opens up a range of opportunities for people who prefer to work from home and without the need to see their co-workers every day. From analyzing web pages and doing audits, creating ads for social networks and managing them, etc.

    The great thing about digital marketing for someone with social anxiety is that it’s not completely isolated. It is very easy once you are in the world of marketing to look for jobs where you will progressively expose yourself more. Remember that it is not about looking for jobs where you have 0 human contact, but where you do not put yourself out of your comfort zone from the first day, but progressively.

    1. Librarian

    In libraries it is one of the places where not talking is okay. So you won’t feel like you’re a poor worker for not talking too much.

    1. Cashier

    It is my favorite and most recommended job for a person with social anxiety. Yes, you will be in direct contact with people. But not at all times you are going to be required to start a long conversation, most of the time with a “Hello, how are you?” and a smile the customer is satisfied.

    But, in addition, you can apply the micro-goals I was talking about earlier and each week try to get out of your comfort zone a little more.

    1. Technical and manual jobs

    By this I mean jobs like electrician, carpenter, mechanic, cook, gardener etc. These are jobs where having great social skills is not going to determine your success. People are not looking for a nice carpenter, but one who knows how to do his job well.

    Tips for a job interview

    Some time ago I wrote a post about the best jobs for introverts (introverts are quiet by nature but aren’t terrified of socializing). I think some of the advice can also be applied to people with social anxiety:

    • Research information about the company you are going to work for. It seems like obvious advice, but I’ve been to many job interviews where I just looked at the company’s home page. It is important that you know the mission, values ​​and objectives of the company. I’m not saying that you learn them by heart, but at least if they ask you something related to it, don’t let your mind go blank. There are also hundreds of sample interviews on Google, many written by people who have worked in human resources. Take advantage of them.
    • Rehearse in front of a mirror. I know it sounds typical of what you see in the movies, but it really works. Standing in front of a mirror will help you notice the expressions you make, what your body language is like, and help you be more confident when you speak in front of people. If you feel too silly doing the above, rehearse in front of your mobile camera, Record yourself as many times as necessary.
    • Gather your brother, your mother, your friends, or anyone you trust enough to make a fool of yourself for a while. The good thing is that you will have a good time, but again practicing speaking out loud will make you more aware of your voice, the expressions you use, and your lack of vocabulary. In addition, the people around you will be able to tell you what things you can improve or things you have said that do not make much sense.


    Let me know in the comments what your biggest fear is when you think about the job you would like to have. What is your plan of action? ✅💡


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