Do you find it difficult to make eye contact when someone is talking to you? Or perhaps you find it difficult to focus on what you are trying to say and make eye contact at the same time. I can relate with all the former. It is a more common problem than it seems and it does not only affect people with social anxiety and shy.
I’ve never felt comfortable looking someone in the eye, it’s very intimidating. When I do, and it’s almost by accident, I feel like they can see right through me. He makes me very nervous and if I’m the one talking, I tend to forget what I was going to say.
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One of the biggest problems shy people experience is making eye contact in conversation. We avoid looking into the eyes because doing so makes us tense and even more nervous. However, this can be interpreted as a lack of respect for the recipient or it can make you seem insecure.
It is therefore essential that you learn certain tricks that you can implement immediately when talking to anyone from your imposing boss to your neighbor.
Why making eye contact is important

Eye contact can be used in many ways. On the one hand, it conveys trust and respect, but it is also something that can be used to ensure your dominant position in a group. According to Psychology Today, this is what happens when you make eye contact:
- It will increase the chances of remembering what people are telling you
- Increases attraction to your partner.
- Confirms that you are paying attention.
- Give the impression that you are interested in what the other person is saying.
The question is how long is too long to maintain eye contact? Various studies affirm that about 4 seconds are enough. This does not mean that after those 4 seconds you look away quickly, but that you can look at another facial point and then make eye contact again.
So that you realize how important it is to make eye contact, remember that only 7% of communication involves words, the remaining 93% of what you communicate comes from your body language, the speed, the tone of your voice and the eye contact.
Related content: >>How to avoid awkward silences
Why is it so hard to look into the eyes?
There are many possibilities, as we have seen you may be shy, have social anxiety, it is not customary in your culture to look into the eyes.
Social anxiety
I want you to start by asking yourself what it is that you fear others will know about you. They may discover that you are a failure, that you only appear to be successful, that you think everyone hates you and it is only a matter of time before they find out.
All these thoughts of course are not true, they are simply constructions that you have been creating based on lived experiences. For example, if your mother spent more time with your siblings when you were little, you may have internalized that you are not worth being the center of someone’s attention.
Depending on how traumatizing your experiences have been, you may need therapy to deal with these fears. If so, these tips will not help you much until you get to the root of the problem.
You’re not that weird…
But it still goes without saying that regardless of whether you have social anxiety or shyness, you may find it difficult to make eye contact. A recent study by Kyoto University suggests that it is more difficult to concentrate when you speak and look into the eyes.
Although eye contact and verbal processing seem independent, people often look away from other people during conversation. This suggests that there is an interference between these processes.
Shōgo Kajimura, Michio Nomura
The research selected 26 people to participate in a mental and verbal agility game. One group of them was given an image of someone staring at them and others an image of a person looking to the side. People who had the image of someone looking straight ahead were slower to reason compared to the other group.
With the help of the following tips you can improve your eye contact in these situations.
Tips for maintaining eye contact

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1.- Start by looking into the eyes when you are the listener.
There is a rule that ideally you should maintain eye contact 50% of the time when speaking and 70% when listening. I understand that this can be a bit stressful at first, so I recommend that you start when you are the person who listens.
It is possible that if you try to apply all these tips in one go, you forget what you are going to say (something that happens to me often), so take it one step at a time.
2.- Breaking eye contact.
To make it as natural as possible, break eye contact by making a gesture or saying a word. For example, if they are telling us something surprising, we could look the other way, while we comment: “are you serious?” or “how crazy!”
When it comes to breaking eye contact, it is not recommended that you do it quickly and to various places, as it conveys insecurity and shyness (just the opposite of what we want to convey, right?)
3.- The ideal time to not seem weird.
According to experts, the ideal is to maintain eye contact for about 4-5 seconds, or the time it takes you to analyze the color of someone’s eyes. If you are in a group conversation you can shorten the contact to about 3 seconds.
4.- Practice with videos or watching yourself (yes, you will feel weird)
If maintaining eye contact is something that happens to you not only with strangers, but also with family members, it is priceless that you start practicing it yourself. You can do this by watching videos on YouTube where people record themselves on purpose for it.
Although you will feel silly, another trick that works is to practice in front of a mirror. Try telling how your day went in front of a mirror and stare into your eyes. Did you forget what you were going to say? if this happens, keep practicing.
5.- Do not look at both eyes
Don’t try to look at both eyes at the same time. Instead, use the triangle technique, start by looking at the left eye, the right eye, and the mouth, and so on (obviously waiting a few seconds).
6.- It is okay not to look into the eyes while remembering something.
There is a greater chance that it will be more difficult for you to look into the eyes while you are trying to remember something. According to various scientific studies, looking to the left and up can mean that the person is remembering information or emotions from the past.
Do you have your own tricks to look into the eyes? Share it in the comments!!! ✌👀