It’s not unusual to feel nervous or uncomfortable at the thought of meeting new people. However, when you have social anxiety, those feelings can be magnified.
Imagine having a voice in your head that constantly says that you are not good enough and that no one else will think you are good enough. It commands you to panic in the middle of a normal conversation, your face flush when someone asks you a question, and you question every little thing you do or not do.
But perhaps the hardest part of having social anxiety is making friends. The good news is that anyone who wants to engage in interpersonal relationships can do so, even those who have been diagnosed with social anxiety. In this post I have prepared a guide that can help you create connections with people even if you have social anxiety.
What to consider before making friends
- Know yourself: Before making new friends, it is always good to know yourself. The more you know about you, what you like, what your passions are, what makes you feel comfortable, the more you can open up to like-minded people.
- Change your mentality: If you are a person with social anxiety, you may have gotten used to not taking the initiative when proposing plans and rejecting them when someone proposes them. You need to change your mindset. On the one hand, get used to saying yes to proposals automatically (before your mind tells you everything bad that could happen).
- Identify the triggers to your anxiety: Think about previous social experiences: what were the first emotions and responses you felt? What did your mind tell you? For example, maybe your heart raced and you felt like people were judging your comments. When you know how you tend to react in social situations, you can think of ways to deal with these reactions. Some people like to see social situations from an objective point of view. This allows them to play the role of “analyser,” which helps keep negative self-talk in check.
Guide to Making friends
1. Practice having small daily interactions
Make sure you consciously create small interactions whenever you get the chance.
- You could say “Hello” to that person you see at work or college every day instead of ignoring them.
- Exchange a few words with people you normally just nod at.
- Avoid the headphones and make eye contact, nod your head, smile, or say “Hi” if you normally don’t.
- Practice small interactions, like asking the cashier how she’s doing or commenting to her neighbor, “It’s hot outside today.”
- Talking to the cashier or someone else in passing probably won’t result in a friendship. But every interaction helps you practice social skills.
If you don’t do the former, you’ll feel rusty when you DO meet someone you can befriend. Being used to talking to people is important in those moments when you really need to use your social skills.
2. Go where you feel comfortable
Don’t put yourself in awkward situations. If you don’t like crowded bars, don’t try to meet friends at a club where you feel anxious and uncomfortable. Instead, take control of the situation and go somewhere like a park or coffee shop so you can focus more on the person or people you’re with instead of spending all your energy trying to talk yourself out of having a panic attack.
Some of us probably have a list of places where we feel safe and comfortable: our homes, certain restaurants, specific stores, etc. A great way to ease the stress of socializing is to socialize within one of these safe spaces. Invite a single acquaintance to a place that you already go anyways.
3. Ask for people’s social media
If you’ve had an interesting conversation about a mutual interest, ask for that person’s number. You may feel uncomfortable the first few times. But, after a while, it feels like a natural way to end interesting conversations.
For example, you could say:
“It was so much fun talking about this. Let’s exchange numbers (or social media) so we can keep in touch.”
When you ask a person this after an interesting conversation you’ve both been itching to talk about, chances are they’re happy that you want to keep in touch with them.
4. Make it less about you
You may be worried that you’re not exciting or fun, and that people don’t want to be friends with you because of it. But the truth is, making friends isn’t about what you think of yourself; it’s about how you make others feel.
So instead of trying to do things to make yourself look better, funnier, or more “cool,” shift your focus to making the other person feel appreciated. This decision will show them that you value their friendship, and it will also show you that people enjoy your company, even if you find it hard to believe.
5. Consider telling your friends about your social anxiety
Maintaining a lasting friendship is about being open and honest with each other. This means that although your anxiety may be hard to face and talk about, you really need to let your friends know that you sometimes have a hard time doing certain things. If those around you know that you get anxious in social situations, they can support and encourage you. Telling your friends also helps them understand your behavior. For example, if you tend to avoid eye contact, they’ll be less likely to think you’re distant if they know you have social anxiety.
It is possible that your friend has similar problems. Many people are friendless and struggle to grow their social circle as adults.
Make friends according to people with anxiety
I always like to check Quora to see what people in similar situations are saying:
- Get out of your own head
Most of the social anxiety is due to our internal dialogue. We will be rejected, judged, we are not good enough, etc.
Making friends is about meeting other people and relating to them, if you are constantly obsessed with your own thoughts and anxiety, then it is not possible for you to really focus on anyone else.
- Sign up for an activity
Go out to play sports and if you are not athletic in team sports, go out to play tennis or. Join the drama club, participate in the choir and become a volunteer. These activities put you in contact with other like-minded people with the same interests.
- Meditation
There are many things that could help you with an anxiety disorder, my favorite is meditation. If you suffer from panic attacks, like me, the safety of others is a good way to calm down. Deep breathing and careful thought are your best tools for not feeling overwhelmed.
How to maintain friendships if you have social anxiety
Maintaining Relationships
Once you have managed to integrate into a social circle, the “homework” is not over. You cannot pretend that people count on you and consider you within their social circle if you do not see them or talk to them frequently.
Once you’ve started making friends, it’s important to keep in touch. Over time, you will learn how often certain people keep in touch. Be sure to do your part to contact your new friends and make plans. With the ease of online communication, it’s much more convenient to stay in touch with the people you know. If you’re one of those that leaves people on read, try to make an effort to answer right away, even if you don’t have the perfect answer, it’s better than answering after three days.
A big part of maintaining friendships is to stop canceling plans at the last minute. We’re all too familiar with the last-minute “Hey guys, I’m not going to be able to make it to the end” text message because we’ve sent it too many times. When you’re making new friends, it’s so important to stick to the plans you make, even if the upcoming date with friends turns your stomach.
But it is not about doing things that we do not feel like doing, if you know from the beginning that it is a plan that you will not enjoy, propose an alternative at the time so that you can “negotiate” the plan and not cancel later.
