Research shows HSPs react worse to critics

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No one likes to hear critics or negative comments about our actions. We feel judged and scrutinized and it’s easy to fall into the “you’re not valued enough” mentality. And the worst thing is that criticism is everywhere, at work, in your social circle, even on the networks. We cannot escape it, nor should we.

There are two types of criticism:

A) Criticisms that are intended to make us better. They are self-constructive and are intended to make you a better person. Normally the sandwich technique is used (positive comment, criticism and another positive to close)

B) Destructive and demoralizing criticism. This type of criticism is formulated to ignore the positive of your actions and highlight what you have done wrong.

Perhaps you think that destructive and constructive criticism will depend on the person that is talking to you. However, in this post I’d like to give the power to you, the recipient of the criticism. While you can’t change how criticism is communicated to you, you can reframe it in your brain so that all of it becomes constructive.

Related content: >>Essential habits for HSPs

Why highly sensitive people react so strongly to criticism

the brain of highly sensitive people


For highly sensitive people, those reactions are deeply embedded in our brains. When we receive negative feedback, we root ourselves in our “emotional brain,” which bypasses our “rational brain.” The “emotional brain” (also known as the limbic system) is where our data bank of past emotional triggers and memories is stored. This happens to everyone (not just HSPs) but the limbic system is activated more among HSPs than non-HSPs.

That means a non-HSPs can use their thinking brain (the neocortex, the part that handles logic) to not take criticism personally on the spot. But for us sensitive people, even when we logically know the criticism is invalid, we still need to process the emotions that come up. These are often past and present emotions; criticism can bring up all the hurtful comments that have been made to us in the past, and the shame that accompanies them.

Therefore, it is not surprising that highly sensitive people go to great lengths to avoid being criticized. And this can feed into our people-pleasing tendencies. Knowing that you exceed the expectations of the people in your life can help you feel like you are “good enough.”

For sensitive people, accepting that (and spending days or weeks poring over a critical comment) can be completely exhausting.

How to deal with criticism as a Highly sensitive person

How to deal with criticism as a Highly sensitive person


Whether in the family environment, at work, with friends, everyone has an opinion about you and what you should or should not be doing better. We cannot run away from criticism or try to keep everyone satisfied. It is therefore essential that you learn to deal with criticism and opinions from other people that you have not even asked for.

It’s nothing personal.

It is one of the first rules that I had to learn working in the public face and under the imposed motto of “the client is always right”. Big fat lie. Working in the service and hospitality sector, you end up putting on a mask every time the customer has a complaint about something. Nod and apologize. That’s what I learned.

But it’s something I don’t like to carry into other areas of my life.

Instead I prefer to have the “it’s nothing personal” mentality. Not everyone has a conspiracy to make your life more difficult, not everyone hates you.

What’s more, in many cases, a criticism says more about the person who expresses it than about you.

Think about the people you really care about and admire. You should be able to count them on your fingers. Well, those are the people whose opinions should mean something to you. I’m not saying that your boss’s criticism has no meaning, but it shouldn’t affect you as much as that of those you respect and admire.

You don’t always have to react.

When we feel that we are being attacked, our natural inclination is to fight back, tell our version of events and defend ourselves. In fact, as a very sensitive person, you have probably been told to defend yourself and assert yourself more. But sometimes, fighting back can make you feel worse about yourself and make the situation even more tense.

When someone provokes you and makes you boil with anger, they may see it as an opportunity to provoke you further. Choosing not to respond to a personal criticism sends the message that you are not going to waste your energy on that person’s words.

Yes, some people really want to see you angry.

Analyze first, answer later

However, if we can overcome this impulse and simply listen, we have mastered a powerful tool that will help us make the most of the situation. As a highly sensitive person it can be hard to know how to react to what we are being told, we don’t want to over-react (we’ve been called dramatic in the past) but we also don’t want to get stepped on.

In my experience I have learned that when I don’t know how to react, I simply don’t react. That is, I take time to form an opinion of agreement or disagreement about what they are telling me. I first take a neutral position on the comment, and once I feel ready, I form my opinion.

At the same time, listening will allow the other party to feel less defensive and more open, willing to share information that they would otherwise withhold. It also makes them more open to hearing your version of events.

Decide if you agree or disagree with the criticism.

If you tend to empathize with other people’s perspectives, it might be tempting to take someone else’s opinion as objective. You may have even agreed and nodded to someone just to be polite.

It’s okay to set boundaries and disagree with any feedback you receive. Unless they are a trusted confidante and you have asked their opinion, the person judging you is probably not the most reliable source to point out your flaws.

If you think there’s any truth to someone’s criticism, take what you can learn and realize that it’s not a reflection of your self-esteem. Even very talented people have something they can improve on, and that’s okay.

It’s a matter of perspective

Even if you don’t agree with the feedback you’re getting, you can still make it a win-win situation. You can acknowledge that the person confronting you may feel that way, even if you disagree. This takes away the scenario of someone having to prove her right or wrong.

By accepting that you have different points of view, the conversation moves to a place where real progress is possible. If you agree with the other person, you acknowledge their information and even thank them for letting you know. Let them know how sharing this with you will help you in the future.

Value positive feedback.

Stop ignoring or belittling the positive feedback you’ve received. Since criticism pushes us into an emotional state, it’s easier to reflect more on those few negative comments. Be sure to take a look at the bigger picture and take note of those positive comments and times when someone complimented you. One or two critical comments does not mean that everyone feels the same way.

Let off steam by writing it down

Write what bothers you about the criticism you just received and write what you find useful. Putting it down on paper makes the critique less personal. Sometimes it can make you feel better to write a letter to the reviewer responding to your review (even if you don’t plan to send it).

Also, writing down your thoughts and feelings will help you label your emotions. Which is key to understanding what you feel and why. This helps your self-awareness, as well as your ability to analyze how you think (also known as metacognition), helps you process your feelings, which can reduce the intensity of emotions, allowing you to manage them more effectively.

Sources

Differences In The HSP Brain, By Julie Bjelland, LMFT

Benefits of Writing Down Your Thoughts 


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