How to make friends as a shy introvert

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Do you find it hard to make friends? or maybe you have same called friends but is difficult to make a deeper connection. In this post I would like to start by analyzing some of the mindsets that prevent us from making quality friendships as introverts. We will also see the best tricks to ensure that we are not self-sabotaging with our body language, as well as the best websites to find friends.

I am writing this post from my own experience. I always felt like I didn’t fit in with my group of friends. I had always liked being in my own world, and I barely participated in the plans they organized. Furthermore I have never really chosen my friends, they have chosen me. Often, I was not interested in the plans they made but was unable to take the initiative and come up with plans myself.

1.- Why is hard to make friends as introverts

Introverts value having time for ourselves, it is something that gives us energy, and therefore we tend to prioritize it.

Although we may like a good party, an afternoon with colleagues and meeting new people, at the same time, it drain us. Despite having a good time, when we get home we feel relieved and it may take several days before we decide to go out again.

In my case, I am always thinking about the opportunity cost of going out. Because I appreciate being in my quiet home so much, every time I go out I think about what I’m missing by being away: whether it’s money, time or energy.

This is one of the reasons that lead me to have a very small social group. It’s a kind of vicious circle:

The less I go out, the less I meet people, the more lazy I am to go out, the greater the chances of getting bored when I decide to go out and the higher the opportunity cost.

Apart from the above, as introverts we have a harder time opening up to people we don’t know. We need to have a connection to want to tell them details about our childhood, our problems and future projects. This can be interpreted by other people as a cold and bland personality, although in reality we have great depth and much to offer.

Ask yourself a question: What kind of friendship are you looking for?

Ask yourself a question: What kind of friendship are you looking for?

If you are reading this post, it is likely that you do not have friends or you consider that the ones you do have are not really friends. Having friends is something very important even if we are introverted people. We all need to belong to a group with which from time to time to complain or share our happiness, after all, we are social beings.

With everything I set my mind to, I try to set goals and be clear about the reasons. Well, as in everything in life there will be times when you are too lazy to take certain actions. That is why it is important that before reading this post you know what you are looking for. We usually have many types of friends: from work, to go out, casual or friends that you see every day.

I want to start by saying this since not all people are indicated for the above. There are people with whom you can have a great time on a crazy night, but then you know that they will not be there to have a coffee and talk about what you have done during the week. In order not to be disappointed, it is important to take the above into account.

Once you know what kind of friendship you are looking for, it will be easier for you to know where to find it.

Now that you know what kind of friendship you’re looking for, it’s time to take action.

Getting to know your colleagues from work or university.

I have put work and university in the same category when it comes to interacting because both have certain factors in common: we go to it in a “forced” way. Unlike yoga classes or going out for coffee, the people you see at work or university cannot be chosen or unseen.

At my previous job, I was unable to connect with my colleagues until I began to observe my self-defeating behaviors. I didn’t like my job, so most of the time I arrived very tightly on time and when everyone was already at their own desks. I greeted my colleagues with a forced smile and sat down to work.

When it was time to leave, I often pretended to have more work to stay a while longer and thus not coincide with my colleagues. And then I wondered… how was it possible that I couldn’t clic with them, isn’t it obvious?

What I recommend is to do just the opposite of what I did. First of all, it doesn’t help to go to a place where you pretend to get along better with people in a bad mood. That will be noticed in the vibrations you transmit and in your level of comfort in that environment.

Therefore, if necessary, start waking you up earlier and make sure you arrive when everyone else is arriving. This way you will start to force micro-conversations. These are conversations that you have with people while the computer is turning on, while the boss or teacher or other colleagues arrive. They are conversations that the one who arrives last never has because there is no time for it.

Thus, you will start having 1-on-1 conversations, something that we introverts usually like because we can get to talk about really deep things even for a few minutes.

At the time of departure be natural. It is normal for people to leave work in a hurry and wanting to get home, so I am not asking you to stay saying goodbye to all your colleagues. But you could find out who lives near you and start carpooling or walking. I know it’s lazy, I know you prefer to walk or ride home alone in your thoughts or listening to music. But remember that your priority is to start getting along better and getting to know your teammates!

Note: these two tips are super powerful. Once you start having these micro-conversations the connections just take off. Maybe you find out that your partner goes to the same gym as you and you start going together. You never know how much in common you have with someone until you talk!

2.- Your body language is essential to seem approachable

It is normal that when you are surrounded by people you do not know, you feel uncomfortable. However, it is important that you do not transmit this discomfort since the people with whom you are interacting will immediately perceive it.

✅ Don’t cross your arms, keep an open body posture.

When we unconsciously cross our legs and arms we are adopting a defensive and closed posture. On the other hand, when we are with a relaxed and open posture, we transmit more “openness” towards others.

Another trick is to position your feet in the direction of the person who is speaking. If it’s a group conversation, then towards the person you want to make feel more important. It is not about turning your back on anyone, but it is a subtle way of letting a person know that you have some interest in them.

✅ Don’t smile immediately or laugh at everything.

I remember when my sister introduced her boyfriend to my family for the first time. It’s quite an awkward situation for him as he’s being judged on whether or not he is worth being with my sister. Plus, he knows we’re all on my sister’s side. For these reasons, my brother-in-law was very nervous, and as a good introvert, I dedicated myself to observing while he talked to my parents and sister. He had a closed posture and with his hands he tore one of the napkins on the table. At the same time, he couldn’t stop smiling and laughing every chance he got.

Later, I asked my mother what she thought of him, to which she replied, “I don’t know, he seems like a nice person but, at the same time, a bit fake, like he’s hiding something.”

I believe that one of the reasons why we initially perceive people like this is when they are too “good”. It’s something I tend to do too; when I don’t know what to say, sometimes I laugh at any comment from someone because I feel like this more part of the group. While our goal is to “get liked” in the long run, we may cause the opposite effect.

Leil Lowndes gives precisely in his book 92 tricks to talk to anyone a piece of advice related to this. According to this author, when we take a few more seconds to smile, we seem more natural and honest, as we first think about the person you are seeing, recognize them, and then smile.

✅ Don’t know what to do with your hands?

I understand… but leave the cell phone in your pocket! If you go to an event where you don’t know anyone and you keep your head down looking at your phone, it’s like you have a sign saying “don’t talk to me, leave me alone” and therefore people will do that.

I understand that your nervousness leads you to not know what to do with your body or where to look. That is why I give you the advice that Vanessa Van Edwards gives: order a drink, like a coffee and keep it in your hands. This will help ease your anxiety about not knowing what to do with your hands without preventing people from engaging in conversation with you.

3.- The best pages to make friends while being an introvert

Meetup
It is a web page in which anyone can create an event about an activity, and interested people can sign up as attendees. If you have certain hobbies you can find people who share them and start to relate. The best thing about this website is that it is very common for people to come alone, and therefore everyone is more open to making friends.

There are all kinds of events as specific as learning to speak in public or making friends. If you prefer, you can also classify them by hobbies.

Facebook groups
Facebook is a social network where you can do everything from keeping in touch with your old friends to selling a piece of furniture. But also, you must remember that there are millions of groups on this social network for all kinds of people. Again, the idea is the same as the previous application: think of something you like to do in your free time; look for a group related to it and start meeting people and making friends.

Other similar applications are:

fever
Bumble BFF

I hope this tricks and tips help you in identifying what you need to fix in order to become more approachable. Let me know in the comments what is your biggest handicap when it comes to making friends!⬇️⬇️


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