On any given day, you enter the elevator with your head down, headphones on, probably scrolling through your phone and thinking about what song you want to listen to to start the day in a good mood. Just as the doors are closing, you make eye contact with your neighbor who pretends to run before the doors close.
In your mind you imagine smiling and flicking back at him as the doors close. But in reality, you stick your hand out to make the doors open so that your dear neighbor can enter.
You exchange the typical “Good morning, how you are doing?” and suddenly…
*cricket sound*
You don’t know where to look, or what to say… the pressure mounts. You decide to look at your phone even though you’re not really paying attention to it. An awkward silence builds up for the longest fifteen seconds of your life.
“Next time I’ll take the stairs” you think to yourself.
What are awkward silences?
Awkward silences do not exist per se. It is us who in our mind make them uncomfortable. Think about it. When you are with your colleagues or family talking, if the conversation suddenly comes to an end, what happens? Well, nothing at all. You continue with what you were doing or you just stay silent. No pressure.
Never break the silence if it is not for improve it.
Ludwig van Beethoven
For this reason, I want to start by normalizing silence. They are part of a relationship, we do not need to be continually talking from one topic to another.
Having said this, it is true that we can take into account small tricks to mitigate these situations. Let´s explore more awkward silences.
Why do awkward silences occur?
- You both run out of things to say.
- One of you gives too short or one word answer to a question.
- One of you says something strange or unexpected that the other person doesn’t know how to respond to
- Someone says something offensive to which the other person does not want to respond.
- One of you wants to end the conversation.
- One of you doesn’t feel like talking.
- Someone misinterprets a comfortable silence or pause as awkward and panicked, which makes it uncomfortable.
- One of you doesn’t know how to respond to something.
Recommended read: >>How to have a conversation with anyone: listening
Types of uncofortable silences
To be able to handle awkward silences you need to take into account the context in which they occur. On the one hand, there are the awkward silences that occur like in the previous elevator example. They happen with people whose life you know little details about, but with whom you don’t want to become best friends either. They are people you want to get along with but not necessarily open up to them.
Also we have this silences take place with people that we are actually really close with. The root of this silences can be very different, normally things want to be said but we don´t know how to express it.
Awkward silence with acquittances
This can be with your neighbors, the taxi driver or friends of friends that you meet from time to time.
The trick is to remember small details of their life, nothing too deep. If you know they have children going to school, ask how they are doing. If he have a dog, you can ask about him. You can also make a comment about yourself:
-It’s going to be a long day for me, was only able to sleep 4 hours…
It is not necessary that they have asked you how you are. If you want to improve your social skills get in the habit of taking the lead in the conversation, and if they don’t respond at all, then relax. You don’t always have to fill in the gaps.
It is when we start to dwell on silences that we really create an awkward silence. Keep in mind that we all have body language that communicates as much as your words do.
If you are quiet in the elevator but seem calm, you are not saying the same thing as if you are tense, looking at your phone, and then to one side and then to the other. In that case you are talking with your body, and you are communicating your discomfort.
Uncomfortable silences on a date
They are the ones I hate the most, but at the same time, the easiest to solve. Especially on first dates, you should never be afraid of awkward silences. There are so many things you can talk about since you don’t know the person and it is assumed that both of you have a high interest in meeting each other. Here are some tricks that you can implement on a date:
Remember that key to making a date flow is finding common ground.
Have a date in a busy place where there is not absolute silence. For example, in a bar there is not so much pressure to say something at all times since there are things with which to distract you until you recover the conversation. You can also make sure that there is always background sound, if you are in the car play music that is not too loud.
Prepare conversation topics in advance. Normally I don’t recommend having scripts prepared since you can sound like a robot. But you can think in advance what topics you would like to touch on during the date:
- What are your hobbies?
- What has been your most horrible experience on a date?
- What do you like most about your job?
- or any topic you want to know about.
Keep an eye out for topics of conversation that excite the other person. If when you ask about his work he/she gives you a dry answer, that is a sign that they don’t not feel like talking about work. But maybe it is about aliens and the future of the planet.
Recommended read: >>How to end a conversation without being rude
Awkward silences with your partner
This is somewhat more complex since in my opinion there should be no awkward silences with your partner, just silences.
Even so, if you feel that you have uncomfortable silences with your partner, you need to reflect and understand the root of those silences:
- Do you think your partner is comfortable in silence? The silence may just be awkward for you.
- You are not asking the right questions. If you feel that you talk less and less with your partner or conversations do not flow, it may be an indication of a more serious problem. When you ask how was the day and they always answer you with a good and nothing more, you must read the body language and realize what they need.
- You spend a lot of time together. This is something that many couples have realized during the quarantine due to COVID-19. They spend so much time together that they no longer know what to talk about because there is nothing new to tell. It is normal but do not assume that you know your partner 100%, there are always anecdotes and points of view that you did not know.
How to always have something to say
Remember that awkward silences are not only your fault. You need to understand that it is not your responsibility to find topics of conversation and fill in the gaps. A conversation is things between two (or more people) so you can take that weight off your shoulders. And silences are awkward only if you are aware of them.
Here are some tricks that can help you avoid awkward silences:
- Use open questions, this is whose answers are not “yes” “no”
- Stay informed of the latest news you can always comment something about it.
- If the other person doesn’t “cooperate” in making conversation, don’t force it.
- If you’ve been asked something and you need time to answer, try repeating the question out loud:
- What has been your most embarrassing experience?
- What has been my most embarrassing experience….? let me think………
- Go back to a previous topic you’ve talked about and ask about any clarification or related topic.
For example, if you were talking about the gym, you can ask if he follows a diet or takes supplements. Ask these types of questions:- What do you think about…?
- How do you do to…?
- What was your reaction when….?
- What do you think will happen if…?
Interesting icebreaker phrases
I’m not usually a big fan of questions and phrases to break the ice. Nevertheless I recognize that when someone uses them on me I don’t think “what a weird guy asking me that question” but, “how interesting” or “luckily he broke the silence”.
Some examples of icebreakers are
- What does your name mean?
- If you didn’t know me, what would you say my name is?
- What conspiracy do you believe in? (have an answer in mind for yourself too)
- Cats or Dogs?
- Do you believe in fate?
- What is your zodiac sign? do you believe in them?
- How was your week? What are your plans for the weekend?
>>You can check more icebreakers here.
Uncomfortable Silence (Pulp Fiction)
I would like to finish this post with my favorite scene from the movie Pulp Fiction:
– Don’t you hate that?
+ Hate what?
– The uncomfortable silences Why do we feel is necessary to yak about bullshit in order to feel comfortable?
+ I don’t know. That is a good question.
– This is when you know you’ve found someone really special. When you can shut up for a fucking minute and comfortably share silence.
+ I don’t think we are there yet. But don’t feel bad, we just met each other.
I hope this post has help you in understanding and avoiding awkward silences a bit more. Let me know in the comments what has been the most awkward situation you have been to?⬇️
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