Every time I say no to someone I suffer. As if by rejecting a plan or favor I am disappointing them. This is partly because I want people to like me, and I feel like saying no is taking points away from our relationship.
Although shyness and introversion are different, many shy and introverted people also feel pressure to say “no,” especially in socially difficult situations.
While it is true that you do not have to be an introvert for this to happen to you, as introverts we are normally more reserved, do not like to attract attention and often feel that we do not fit in some of our social circles (at work or at school). That is why we often end up accepting invitations to events that we don’t feel like going to, the fear of rejection or the consequences of not going takes over and we end up giving in.
In this article we will see the importance of knowing how to say no, and how to start rejecting plans without feeling pressure and in a way that does not affect us in the future.
Change your mindset
If you relate with what I have said it is important that you start with a change of mentality. For this I want to introduce you to the concept of opportunity cost.
This is an economic concept that I like to apply in my day to day. In its original definition, the opportunity cost is defined as the set of resources that we stop receiving when we decide on another alternative that may be better or worse, always with limited resources.
Ok, how can you change your mindset by applying the above? Well, understanding that your time is your most precious resource and that it is also limited. If you have two alternatives,
A) staying home and
B) going to a meeting you don’t feel like going to,
you’ll need to consider what you gain and lose with those options.
- Opportunity cost of staying home: not making friends, not meeting contacts, not counting on you in the future, having an awkward time when they talk about the meeting the next day.
- Opportunity cost of going to the meeting: spending money, having to leave my comfort zone, having to talk about topics that do not interest me.
Of course, it is not the same to reject an invitation to go to a party that your friends organize every weekend than to reject an invitation to a wedding. Even if you don’t feel like going to either of the two events, rejecting the second has greater social consequences than the first.
Still, the decision is yours ✌️
How to reject plans, not people
1) Stop cancelling plans
Take time to think about whether or not you really want to accept the proposal or request. It is better not to give a definitive answer right away than to agree and then cancel at last minute.
I learned this by experience, I acquired that habit and I have lost a few friends because of it. I always said yes to any favor or plan, but then he reconsidered and canceled at the last moment. Nobody likes to be canceled and, in the end, people will resent you for this
It is therefore necessary that you resort to certain phrases such as:
“It sounds great but I confirm this afternoon that I don’t know if I’ll have time”
“I would love to, but + __ a responsibility”
All these formulas have something in common: you say something positive accompanied by a rejection of the plan. It is a popular strategy since you are not transmitting absolute negativity but sincerity. However, what if you really don’t like the plan that has been proposed to you?
The risk of the previous sentences is that you are saying how much you would like to be able to do them a favor or participate in a plan and you expose yourself to having your date rescheduled for another time and running into the same problem in the future. For this type of occasion it is better to be totally honest and propose an alternative.
Let’s say that your neighbor proposes you to have a barbecue with more neighbors and people you don’t know: just thinking about it makes you uncomfortable.
If you make a convincing excuse and say that you would love it another time, they will invite you in the future or postpone it to another date for you (it has happened to me😑 )
Therefore, if you know that you will not like to participate at any time in the future, say so!
“Sorry, being with that many people I don´t know is not my thing why don’t you and «x» person do something next week… We can order pizzas and chill”
That is the key: first recognize that it is not your type of plan and that you will not enjoy it and second, immediately propose a more intimate plan or simply more in line with your personality.
So we don’t reject them, but the plan itself 😅
2) Reject plans with humor
It is about being brutally honest. It is not a trick to apply with all kinds of relationships, but with the closest ones or people who we know will not be offended too much.
If you accompany it with an anecdote, people will also understand the reason for your total rejection of the plan.
You can also apply sarcasm, without abusing of it (although I do😅). Imagine that they ask you the favor of being the one to drive to a party since you have said that you did not intend to consume alcohol at it (people love to take advantage of people who do not drink in this way) a possible sarcastic response would be:
“Well, I can take you but know that after an hour I’ll be wanting to go home”
3) Say no to bosses or people in a position of power
The above will be too risky to apply with people with whom we have to show our most professional facet as co-workers and bosses. In this case, it is important to mask the word “no”.
Let’s say that you are in charge of x project for your company and that you are very pressed for time to deliver what is expected on time. On top of that, your boss has just asked if you can attend a meeting that is not related to your duties. How the hell do you say no to your boss?
Well, you let him know that attending that meeting is going to cause other tasks to be left undone, that prioritizing that meeting will make you put your main work in the background.
It’s about not using the word “no”, but communicating your concern for wanting to do things right.
4) Reject plans according to essentialism.
I have learned this thanks to my last reading: Essentialism by Greg Mckeown. The book is about how to lead a simpler life and dedicate your efforts to things that will have the maximum impact on your life and help you achieve your goals. In one of the chapters he talks about the importance of knowing how to say no. Every successful person knows how to distinguish which things he should say yes to and which no.
Greg Mckeown actually recommends that we default to saying “no” instead of yes. Although the author has a more radical way of looking at decision making, he is right in his logic: every time we say yes to something, we are saying no to something else. In the end it becomes a problem of prioritization, so we must ask ourselves: is it worth prioritizing a plan that has just been proposed to us?
I hope you liked this post, do you have a hard time saying no? Let me know me in the comments.
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