Being an au pair can be one of the best decisions of your life to learn a language, take off from the nest and discover new places. You have hardly any expenses, you receive a weekly pocket money and you have a lot of free time to explore the city and socialize.
I have been an au pair 4 times in different cities in England, so I have extensive experience that I would like to share with those of you who are considering embarking on this adventure but who are hesitant because you are introverted and/or shy.
In this post I would like to talk about what the au pair program is, what you should look for when choosing a host family, how to deal with awkward conversations with host parents, and in general how to ensure a satisfying experience.
What is the au pair program?
I assume that if you are reading this you are already familiar with what it means to be an au pair. But just in case, here is a brief introduction.
Being an au pair is being a nanny (with fewer responsibilities and no training) in a country where you are not a resident and with a host family. Normally the requirements to be an au pair is that you do not have children of your own, you are young (18-30 years old) and you have a residence permit in the country of destination. Also, references are usually requested and, sometimes, if you go through an agency, a criminal record certificate.
A high qualification is not required since you do not have a work contract and it is considered ideal for young students. That is precisely the danger of the au pair program, it is not regulated so it is exposed to labor exploitation. It is therefore essential that whether you are an introvert or not, you follow a series of guidelines before embarking on the au pair adventure.
How to find the right host family
The au pair world is very dark and you have to tread carefully. I’ve heard disgusting stories of host families wanting a cheap vulnerable maid not respecting the conditions under which an au pair is supposed to work. That is why you have to be very selective when looking for the right family.
In my first two experiences as an au pair I made several rookie mistakes that you shouldn’t make. First, I did not have an interview with the family by video call, and second, I was “embarrassed” to ask about salary expectations and what my free time would be.
If you are a shy and young person, you are more exposed to a family wanting to exploit you at work. It is therefore essential that you make a filter when selecting potential families.
What country to choose?
All the times I have been an au pair in England, so my experiences are limited to this country.
I recommend that you choose the country based on the language you want to learn (it’s obvious, but sometimes it’s forgotten)
If your knowledge of the language is zero, then your chances of finding a family will be reduced, even so there are families that do not care (for example, Spanish families who live abroad and want their children to practice Spanish).
Interview with the family
I understand that you may be nervous. But this has an easy solution, the key is in the script.
It is not an interview for a super qualified job so families won´t ask you complicated stuff. Most of them will want you to know about your experience with children, why you want to be an au pair and what you expect from your stay with them.
I have always hated interviews, I used to get very nervous because I am aware that they are judging me based on what I say. But the good thing is that it is easy to prepare for an au pair interview, just practice and record yourself before doing the interview.
Don’t punish yourself if you don’t speak the language fluently, that’s why you want to be an au pair, right? to improve the language and learn a new experience.
On the other hand, I also want to remind you that an interview is two-way. The goal is for you to get to know each other, not only should the family like you, you should like them too!
Questions to ask the family
- Request them to write a document with the expected tasks: This will not be a legal document, since au pairs are not considered workers, but it will prevent possible misunderstandings in the future. Some families maliciously tell you something on the phone and when you get there, little by little they ask you for more responsibilities. In the document should come the weekly working hours, house rules (time of arrival and departure if there is one) and responsibilities with the children.
- Ask for a photo of the room: maybe not in the first interview, but if you have a second conversation, ask for photos of what will be your room. In my second stay as an au pair I wanted to die with my room. It was literally a bed and a cupboard and it was dirty (luckily I only stayed for two months).
- Ask if they will give you a key to the house. It seems like an obvious question but some families for security reasons do not like to give the au pair a copy of the key. This is essential to be able to have your independence in your free time and not have to constantly ask permission to go out. In my first experience as an au pair, I did not know how to ask the key and they never gave it to me.
- Have they had experience with an au pair before? If it is your first time that you are going to be an au pair, you should take a family that already has experience. Although it does not guarantee that it will be a good family, you will be able to ask for references and talk to previous au pairs. This will be key to choosing one family or another.
- What do they do in their free time? Honestly, if you’re an introvert, it’s in your best interest to be an active family. One of the most difficult things about being an au pair is that you don’t have time to disconnect between your free time and the time you are working, since you are always surrounded by your “bosses”. I remember that there were weekends when I wanted to stay in the house, but since I knew that the host family would not go out, I tried to make plans to be able to clear my head. That is why, if the family you have makes plans on weekends, it will be a point in favor because you will have time to be quiet at home.
Communication with the host family
If you do all of the above during the family selection process, you should not have serious problems living with them. Even so, as in any job, there will be times when it is important to have an honest and fluid communication with the parents (your bosses)
As an introverted person, you may tend to want to please others in exchange of your own well-being (depending on your personality type). This is dangerous, since in the end you will accumulate little things inside yourself and you may end up hating the family for no apparent reason. And the worst thing is that they won’t even be aware of it. That’s not fair to you or to them.
Therefore, I recommend that you write down in a journal the small things that irritate you. For example, imagine that every day you end up doing 1 more hour of work and you don’t know how to deal with it. write those little things every day and at the end of the week, for example, on Sundays check your notes. This will help you distinguish the superficial from the essential and to choose your battles more wisely.
Here are a few tricks for approaching difficult conversations.
How to approach difficult conversations as au pair
- Rule #1: Never have important conversations in front of the children. Wait for a quiet moment to address the issue that worries you. If you get too nervous, you can talk to one parent instead of both at the same time if they intimidate you too much.
- Make yourself a small script and use the sandwich technique. This helps us to improve our way of transmitting our message. The script will serve to reduce your anxiety and at the same time avoid going off the rails. The sandwich technique consists of saying something good, followed by something bad to close with something good:
(positive + problem + positive)
“I really love working with your children and I have a lot of fun, but I thought I would be doing fewer hours and I have realized that I hardly have time for myself. I appreciate being part of your family and that’s why I wanted to strike a middle ground.
- Never generalize. If you’re tired of being asked to babysit at the last moment, don’t use words like “always” “never” (even if it’s true) that derails the conversation. On the one hand, they can answer you saying that’s not true and that they have only done it twice, but also, the use of absolute terms means that a conversation can acquire a high tone without need.
- Nothing is personal and be open minded. This is super important to tackle an awkward conversation successfully. Many times we forget that not everyone has our same perspective.
How to make friends during your au pair stay
It seems that this is always a concern of introverts when it comes to travel. On the one hand, we like the idea of learning to travel alone since we do not need the company of anyone to do things, but, at the same time, we are terrified to think that we will be in a new country, with a language that we do not master and not knowing anyone.
The good news is that it is extremely easy to make friends when you are an au pair. Well, at least if you have chosen a big city (I recommend it, seriously)
If you have chosen a large city, you increase the chances that there will be au pairs in the same situation as you. One of the requirements for making friends is that both parties are open to meeting new people.
In my hometown, for example, when I go out with friends I am not receptive to meeting more people or making friends, I go out with the mentality of “I don’t need to expand my social circle”. That is why it is important to be able to access events and invitations attended by people in the same situation as you and who still do not have too many friends.
For this I recommend Facebook groups. There are many divided by cities, for example, «au pair in London».
As a recommendation, I suggest that you never meet someone individually. Make sure that your first meeting is in a group and in a public place (there are many freaks on the Internet).
Personally, I found it easier to make friends during my au pair stay than when I went to university.
If you have more questions about your au pair adventure or about shyness and introversion, leave a comment below! Don´t let your fear of travelling alone deprive you of this amazing experience!!⬇️⬇️
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