I had been fantasizing for years with the idea of leaving my parents’ house, living with people my own age, and not having to explain myself to anyone. That is why as soon as I had the first opportunity to leave home I did without any hesitation.
Let’s say that I chose my degree based on the city I wanted to be in, rather than if they would be useful when finding a job. And so, I went away from home and my lifelong friends.
I moved to Madrid, to a flat opposite the university with two girls who were also studying there.
I had always imagined college life as parties, drama, crazy nights, fights, and reconciliations and above all, meeting new people.
Sometimes, I forget that I’m an introvert with social anxiety😅
Let’s say that the first few months were like that. I met quite a few people and pushed myself out of my comfort zone, going to events I didn’t really want to go to and turning down very few invitations.
By the third month I was exhausted. I needed time for myself. If I had classes at the university, seeing my classmates there was enough for me. I had no urge to prolong my social interactions any longer. If it were up to me, I’d run straight from class to my room. But because I didn’t want to feel like the weirdo, I ended up my meeting my classmates after
But of course, later I would arrive at the apartment, and instead of finding myself with the table set and my mother about to serve the food, I found myself with a very different situation: my two roommates cooking and laughing in the kitchen with a couple of more friends (ugh more social interaction)
What anyone would see as a cool situation I saw as a challenge:
“Alright, the normal thing would be to say hello, introduce yourself to the two strangers, maybe tell them how my day went. I should join them for dinner and chat. But I don’t want anything. hmmm… I’m going to pretend I’m on the phone with someone; quick hello; I excuse myself and go to my room.”
Let’s say that’s my thought process: I think about what would be socially correct to do; I visualize it; I think of all the awkward situations that could happen. And then I plan an excuse so I don’t have to go through that.
One of the characteristics of introverts highly anxious is about thinking things too much. When someone invites us to an event, we ask for details so that we can first visualize what the interactions will be like. We need to know who will be there; how long will it last; what exactly is going to be done. Everything.
Like this, I always had an excuse prepared not to socialize with my roommates.
Let’s say that I see my introversion as a battery that cannot be recharged in the same day. I can have various social interactions and seem like the nicest woman in the world, but often as the hours go by I fantasize more and more about my room, with moments of tranquility, with silence, with doing nothing.
That’s when the introverted monster in me wakes up. Or in other words, my most asocial facet comes to light.
I refer to him as a monster, not because being an introvert is bad, but because sometimes being tired of socializing makes me do things that are not like me:
- Eat snacks in my room instead of cooking in order not to coincide in the kitchen with my colleagues and have to tell how my day has gone
- Wait until the floor is empty to use the common areas.
- Change my routine to the night so I don’t have to socialize with guest (not always, but some days)
- Saying that I have to study a lot when in reality I want to stay in my room watching a movie alone.
- Not making noise in my room so that my friends think I’m not here and leave me a little peace.
- And the list goes on…
I must say that sharing a flat with more people has made me realize how introverted I am and get to know myself a little better. Now I know that I don’t want to share a home with people who are too outgoing or who want to always be inviting people over. That doesn’t mean I’m not going out, quite the opposite, but I would never host a party. I like the feeling of being able to leave when I feel like it, and if an event is in your own home, you have to be there from start to finish, what a nightmare!
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